Here we are. We’ve taken a retrospective look at the triumphs and not so triumphs of 2011, but now it’s time to look at the straight up flops of 2011. To qualify for this position, an artist must have flaunted her basicity either in commercial, critical or personal embarrassments that made 2011 a year that will be remembered as her own falling off the tracks. Whether it was being overrated up and through the media, failing to be able to produce a reputable album despite 6 years of development, throwing shade or just looking a damn fool for the world to see, 2011 was certainly a year of the basic bitch rearing her ugly head and forcing everyone to regard the trainwreck that is her life. Some of these events are actually based off of success; others would sell the weaves off their heads and pop their pussies into a cactus for another shot at being even somewhat relevant. It’s the sad truth that where there are bad bitches, there are certainly going to be bum bitches but what are you going to do?
Katy Perry gets worldwide commercial acclaim despite being basic as shit.
As I have discussed previously, there is nothing that says album sales determine bad bitchery, with the prime example being the hot mess that is Katy Perry. She gets a mention on this list not because she hasn’t done well for herself, or really for anything she has even done at all, but primarily because 2011 saw unprecedented success from Ms. Perry with three #1 singles in the Top 10 as well as 69…count em, 69 consecutive weeks in the Top 10. Now, Katy Perry is usually largely inoffensive on her own and I can appreciate the catchiness of her singles. She also had Missy Elliott on a remix, and appears to loathe former American Idol troll and general basic bitch enthusiast Kara DioGuardi almost as much as I do. However, the fact that Katy Perry now goes down in music history for her commercial success in 2011 and her album Teenage Dream, which is perhaps the most average pop release that I can think of in recent history that has received this much buzz (other than maybe Flop This Way) has received FOUR Grammy nominations, makes me feel ill. Not to completely knock the girl’s swag, but recently she’s not even fulfilling her place as a basic bitch that looks good by looking a damn fool in public. She’ll have a strong collaboration once in a while, and seems to know how to put on a show but also needs to take a fucking seat because I really can’t with her completely average vocals and reliance on a catchy beat to get widespread success. I like her as a person, so in that respect I say good for her for achieving something, but with such high levels of basicity, it’s a hard pill to swallow. With perhaps the most sickly sweet, meaningless, bubblegum tripe to call itself a power anthem in recent years receiving a Grammy nomination for Record of the Year, 2011 will always mark the dark hours in which Katy Perry defied the odds, and any kind of standards, and was able to sell over 5,000,000 records off of some of her most incessant work to date.
Nicole Scherzinger flops harder than anyone thought she could
Nicole Scherzinger…how can I possibly begin to describe Nicole Scherzinger? She probably deserves a post of her own in terms of identifying one of the most unfortunate career developments I can think of in the past decade (rivaled only to Olivia), but 2011 saw her reach all time highs in terms of public embarrassment and all time lows in terms of hope for any kind of future as an artist. To understand the true significance of her floptastic 2011, it’s important to see the journey that got her there. Essentially the Head Skank in the Army of Skanks, Nicole first emerged from obscurity with the Pussycat Dolls where she took the “one-woman group” idea made popular by Destiny’s Child to new heights, essentially performing all of their songs on her own. Even still, she was unable to launch herself as a popular solo figure with a series of absolutely embarrassingly low charting singles and quickly fell back into obscurity after plans for her debut album folded. But as we’ve seen before, basic bitches have nothing to lose and will stop at nothing to achieve even a fleeting moment of notoriety. Consequently, Nicole proceeded to jump on every train to minor celebrity renewal there was: from Dancing With The Stars to guest spots on mainstream TV and finally to the cultivation of career revival…celebrity talent judging. Unfortunately, even amongst all this promotional hype, Nicole’s debut album Killer Love has gone unreleased in the US as she appears to be cowering in the face of the inevitable flop. Amongst a series of flop singles, the only exception being Right There which was carried entirely by a 50 Cent feature, and no US release in sight, it seemed like things couldn’t flop harder for Nicole’s attempt at a big break and then she went and crushed a 12 year old’s dreams. In one of the most uncomfortable moments on competitive reality TV I can recall, Nicole refused to vote on The X Factor, forcing the 13 year old fan favorite Rachel Crow to be eliminated, and saw all chances of public approval fall to the ground faster than Rachel’s sobbing, heartbroken self. In what could be deemed a series of unfortunate events, Nicole’s attempts at a comeback were thoroughly stifled and she continues to be one of the most basic bitches in the contemporary R&B game, with generic music, constant pushbacks and ultimately the antithesis of star quality.
Keri Hilson stays mad
I’ve already discussed Keri’s stanknessness at length so this review will be a little shorter. Despite the fact that 2011 saw literally no triumphs for the Hilson as an artist, with the completely irrelevant Pretty Girl Rock being her only remote commercial success, Mizz Keri Baby stayed more pressed than we’d ever seen her, throwing the messiest shade at the woman who ended her career before it even started: Beyonce. The fact that Keri Hilson not only came at Queen Bey at every turn with NO new material, a string of uncharting flop singles and a downright pathetic WalMart tour, but that she did so in the most basic of ways marked 2011 as the year we saw Keri Hilson reach new lows. Even in attempts to throw shade, she couldn’t display even an inkling of boss bitch qualities as she made herself look a damn fool by skirting around her passionate jealousy instead of just embracing herself for the player hater she truly is. Hell, she couldn’t even hate on Ke$ha, the most basic of all basic bitches, properly. And that is a damn shame.
Lady Gaga is absolutely ridiculous
I tend to try and avoid discussing Lady Gaga primarily because I find it hard to contain my absolute disgust at her. To see someone go from producing a legitimately strong dance album to hailing themselves as Queen of the Weirdos and the biggest innovator to ever walk the face of the Earth despite the fact that there is evidence to suggest that NOTHING they do is actually original, is just a sad state of affairs. And so, when Gaga announced that her second full length studio album might be one of the best albums of the decade, naturally before it was even released, I had to go through three stress balls just to deal with the ensuing circlejerk from her groce stans. However, come the release of this fated project, I didn’t know whether to be elated or absolutely repulsed by what “the best album of the decade” had to offer. Despite the overwhelming commercial success of the project, it has failed to live up to the quality of Gaga’s work in the past and although it was critically well received, the majority of the track list is a series of songs which aspire too hard to be part of a future Greatest Hits album. For all of her ridiculous promotion, Born This Way, and its ensuing singles, were average at best despite the dickriding they received by her insipid fanbase. Similarly, Gaga herself proved to become even more of an annoyance this year with antics and constant reminders to us all that she’s down for every kind of person, using the gay community as a crutch and racial slurs in her music as a way to “empower” all peoples. So whether it was desperately trying to steal the spotlight from Britney Spears at award shows, creating 14 minute long music videos for flop singles, looking absolutely ridiculous just to be known as the singer who is absolutely ridiculous or creating even more of a God-complex than she already had, 2011 was certainly naht the year for Stefani.
Christina Aguilera loses her damn mind.
2011 can ultimately be summed up when everything is cut down to one tragic flop: Christina Aguilera. After releasing Bionic, which now serves as a euphemism for a complete debilitation of an artist’s credibility, which boiled down to a complete and total flop, Xtina went on to completely fuck up the lyrics to the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, starting the year off in a decidedly low state of mind. With her personal drama to follow, it seemed likely that she would take a much needed break from the industry for at least a year or two and maybe rethink why the series of floptastic career moves that she executed began to slowly chip away at any legacy she may have had as a prominent pop artist. But she didn’t stop there. No, that would’ve been too easy. Aguilera catapulted herself into the legions of those itching for a comeback when she joined The Voice as a celebrity talent judge, and initially seemed to be at an OK place. She looked good, she did an adequate job at judging and even though she carries a constant “Eau de Condescending Stank”, she at least wasn’t whoring out any new potential flop music out to the world to ridicule. However, there came a point where any bets of a stable recovery from her ensuing status as a completely basic bitch were off when she performed in Wales for a Michael Jackson tribute concert. It seemed all those years of being an asshat to her fans finally got back to Floptina, as her downright unsettling appearance and Snooki-esque tacky factor turned all audience members to stone, like Medusa. It only got worse for Xtina, as she proudly displayed her new “curvy” figure with some of the most ill-fitted and poorly designed style choices of the entire year. Nothing against the chubbies, but for her to dress like she did on the Diiirtyyyy tour way back when now that she’s fat has all the signs of a flop bitch who has hit rock bottom. But perhaps most offensive of her series of rocky 2011 flops is the fact that she is indirectly responsible for Kelly Osbourne receiving even a miniscule of attention and that simply cannot be taken lightly. So as a whole, XXLtina is the quintessential 2011 flop, demonstrating all facets of losing any shred of legacy that may have remained.
So there you have it, the worst we saw in 2011. On this note, let us look forward to 2012 which offers some promising releases already as well as the expected delivery of Baby Jayonce, a child whose birth will undoubtedly make up for the career tragedies we saw in 2011 tenfold. May these tragic occurrences be seen as a warning for future generations of exactly how to avoid being a complete asshole, flop or basic bitch.